If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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