Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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