I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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