just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
either way he was missing a nipple.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
