i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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