Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
