The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
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Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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