The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
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I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee