Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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