I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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