It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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