cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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