I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
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but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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