apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
