i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
