I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
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New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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