My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
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