woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
