i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again