A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
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let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Send help, water and tortillas.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.