i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
