you traded sex for a burrito?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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