so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Randomize
