I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem