Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.