Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize