The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
