Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You smell like stripper and shame
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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