i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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