Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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