I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
