Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
