composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
