My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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