Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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