when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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