My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
