Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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