i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
