Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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