She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
