Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You pole danced in your parka.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
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I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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