My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
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I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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