I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
This house was built for laser tag.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA