She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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