I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize