All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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