Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
