Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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