i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
