He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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