if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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