Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
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you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
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Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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